Silent Agreements Linda Anderson

Sarah`s model of staying in relationships for too long is a remnant of the harsh rejection and pain she experienced in saying out loud what her mother would not do. This was an important event in the early development of their fear of telling the truth about their feelings. As a child even younger, Sarah could feel a lot of her mother`s body language, effects and actions at times when her mother was struggling with her desire to be open with others, but instead she was silent. As is often the case with young children, Sarah`s ability to feel it was already enough before her age to articulate it. In these recurring incidents are the seeds of your approach to relationships and the formation of silent agreements with yourself and others. You will find it difficult to reject others, lest it make you reject and be embarrassed. You have learned from your mother that you should not be honest if you do not want another person`s company. In the name of courtesy, she modeled dishonesty and then punished her for revealing the truth. It left you with an emotional sense of shame. And you felt abandoned by the mother you thought you were helping. Twenty-one years old, a lively and daring young woman, full of dreams and ambitions, Sarah is going through the same cycle again. She meets John, an honest and upright man of the small town, whom she considers a safe choice.

She silently agrees to stay with him so that she can live her first adult relationship without too much challenge or risk. John, although he knows that these two are incompatible, stays with Sarah because he yearns for change and excitement that he does not have the courage to create alone. She yearns for more and tires the relationship. After her previous behaviour, she is afraid to tell him how she feels, because she fears that he will get upset and reject her. One day, the relationship will end up arguing. In Silent Agreements: How to Identify Relationships with Unspoken Expectations Professor Linda Anderson of Hostos Community College and her colleagues not only identify the origin of these “silent agreements” but provide a step-by-step guide to review them. A big problem with this oppression is that even feelings that seem to be buried will arise from behavior. Because we have doubts and fears about the sharing of our feelings, we compromise with ourselves in the form of silent agreements. We now believe that such feelings will create difficulties by expressing them aloud, so we reach an agreement with ourselves and with others to make life easier by keeping quiet. “Fear is a great silencer with a vulnerable commitment, whose absence leads to deep and painful complications. The authors of Silent Agreements discover this widespread phenomenon with great clarity and offer a well thought-out process that makes sharing the truth praised and curative. We recommend this book to anyone who has conversations in mind that they keep to themselves.

” – Harville Hendrix, Ph.D. and Helen LaKelly Hunt, Ph.D., authors of Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples” The informative authors of Silent Agreements offer insights into how to solve and solve these insurgent problems between us and others without fear. They will help to shed new ways of understanding and promote open communication in all your relationships. I have recommended this very useful book for all those who are working to create happy and healthy relationships. -Katherine Woodward Thomas, New York Times bestseller author of Conscious Uncoupling “What a conclusive and informative look at how we think they are accepted by the people we want to understand are rare because of what is never said.